....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
