hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Randomize
