WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
