Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
