my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
