This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
