i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
