the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
