The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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