his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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