She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
