So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
