11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
