I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
