Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
