Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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