hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
