You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
