one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
