youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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