we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
