Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
