I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize