i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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