I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
