i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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