So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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