well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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