I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
