New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
