I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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