i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
