So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
