Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
