Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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