tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
