Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
