is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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