I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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