The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize