My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
