remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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