I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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