Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
