I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
