he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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