you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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