my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
