Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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