As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
