Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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