you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize