I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
