I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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