i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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