I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
