...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
