i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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