Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
